Fvck! I don't know how to do this or if I'm doing this right. But I'm feeling so lonely tonight, like so freakin lonely you have no idea what it feels like.
I turned off my computer an hour ago and got ready for bed when out of nowhere I felt empty. Then I got thinking of the past guys who courted me. And I realized none of them even got close to get to know the real me. It's not their fault though. I hid myself from them. Even when they gave their best to try to win me over, I acted like the cynical bitch that I am and questioned everything they say or did. I was always looking for flaws. Comparing them with their predecessor or the guy who I called "the perfect one", I meticulously dug through each of their features both physically and mentally until I find their flaws. Then I go for the kill like asking myself "why do I wan't to be with somebody who isn't at least 5 feet, 11 inches in height" or "why settle with someone who can't even construct a single sentence with grammatical error".
The process repeated itself from one suitor to the next until I just let go. I told myself I'd be better off if my just concentrate on my friends and my family. I was so focused on them that I never felt some stirring emotionally. Oh there were always the parade of crushes! But they were men I'd never get to meet in real life. They were actors, musicians, and athletes. But when you talk of real, solid men who admire me--I can't give a name.
Yes, that's how pathetic my life is! Oh I know, I've gotten over "the break up that was". That was 5 years ago already for fvck's sake! There's a more recent heartbreak and that's the reason why I completely shut down but let's talk about some other time. For now, let's talk about how lonely I am. Hell! I've never felt this way. Before, when I feel this way, I simply cry my heart out then sleep. This time sleep completely eluded me. This time when I just needed a way to oblivion, sleep became the devil's accomplice and forced me to reevaluate my life--THOROUGHLY. Oh well, if I still can't sleep after a few minutes I'll just have to watch the football match between Germany and Portugal. And that's how exciting my life is. Amazing, isn't it? NOT!
(P.S. It's 1:42AM already.)
Sunday, June 10, 2012
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Filipino’s grandmama could be Russia’s Anastasia
By Emily A. Abrera
Philippine Daily Inquirer
I first met Caty Petersen in October 2010 through a mutual friend, who was convinced that I was the right person to write Caty’s story.
She divulged nothing more than that, asking me to just keep an open mind and join them for lunch, which at least promised to be a pleasant one; Kai was one of my favorite restaurants, and we hadn’t seen each other for months.
Caty rushed in, late and breathless and wide-eyed, a large brown envelope in hand, which she handed to me.
Over the next hour, I listened to her relate the highlights of a most unusual tale, riveting in many aspects, and somewhat incredible in others.
The story tumbled out of her, unrestrained. It was a search for roots.
Read more.
Philippine Daily Inquirer
I first met Caty Petersen in October 2010 through a mutual friend, who was convinced that I was the right person to write Caty’s story.
She divulged nothing more than that, asking me to just keep an open mind and join them for lunch, which at least promised to be a pleasant one; Kai was one of my favorite restaurants, and we hadn’t seen each other for months.
Caty rushed in, late and breathless and wide-eyed, a large brown envelope in hand, which she handed to me.
Over the next hour, I listened to her relate the highlights of a most unusual tale, riveting in many aspects, and somewhat incredible in others.
The story tumbled out of her, unrestrained. It was a search for roots.
Read more.
Provincial Life Is... Provincial!
So yesterday we experienced the first summer rain that happened during daytime. Most of the rains we suffered happened during nighttime when people are asleep but yesterday was different. And it wasn't the regular summer rain you experience when the drops are slow and kinda soft, no, it was literally a downpour like I've never seen. I have to shout to my younger sister to tell her I'm ready to go out and play under the rain and I wasn't even sure if she heard me. Good thing she was also thinking the same thing so we just looked at each other and ran out of the door.
We ran along the gutters, and even outside to edge of the roof of the covered court just to play with the water running over the edges. And because we have a ginormous mango tree a few feet from our front gate, my sister and I decided to pick up the mangoes which have fallen from the tree. I wanted to take a picture of my and my sister under the rain but my camera isn't waterproof so all I have is a nice memory.
I seriously don't know how long we just ran and laughed and ran and laughed again under the rain. One time, I stopped and just savored the moment. Then I wondered when was the last time I was able to play under the rain. Sad thing was, I couldn't even remember when it was. I couldn't remember the last time when I "didn't have a care". Oh, I wasn't responsible all the time but the last two years had made me "grow up". I had to. I felt like I had no choice and now I can't shrug it off and don on that "I don't give a damn" cloak. Somehow in the past two years I had changed whether I realized it or not. And that's why I'm thankful for those small moments when I can simply let my hair down and forget all my worries.
We ran along the gutters, and even outside to edge of the roof of the covered court just to play with the water running over the edges. And because we have a ginormous mango tree a few feet from our front gate, my sister and I decided to pick up the mangoes which have fallen from the tree. I wanted to take a picture of my and my sister under the rain but my camera isn't waterproof so all I have is a nice memory.
I seriously don't know how long we just ran and laughed and ran and laughed again under the rain. One time, I stopped and just savored the moment. Then I wondered when was the last time I was able to play under the rain. Sad thing was, I couldn't even remember when it was. I couldn't remember the last time when I "didn't have a care". Oh, I wasn't responsible all the time but the last two years had made me "grow up". I had to. I felt like I had no choice and now I can't shrug it off and don on that "I don't give a damn" cloak. Somehow in the past two years I had changed whether I realized it or not. And that's why I'm thankful for those small moments when I can simply let my hair down and forget all my worries.
Thursday, April 5, 2012
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Friends always tell me to let it go, that the one who’s meant to be with me for all time is coming and that I should be patient, or I should feel blessed by being single. But you know what? There are times when I feel so alone. Suffice to say this is one of those times. I want to lock myself up in a house the whole day, eat junk foods, sleep during the day, and be awake the whole listening to love songs while they break my heart all over again.
And this is me exorcising me demons.
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