Square One

 

I was a mess last night. I did something without thinking how I'm going to take the consequences. Somehow an image of me firing a gun and unexpectedly feeling it recoil after the shot was made popped into my mind. Not only did I feel the gun recoil but I hurt myself along the way. Now, I'm sporting bruises over old wounds that apparently has never healed at all. They only festered under the healed surface. And so I'm back again to those days...

On the flip side, I now get to feel--again. I held myself back for so long because I was scared. I was scared of getting hurt. I was scared of making wrong choices. I was scared of getting broken. So I shut myself down. I became numb not knowing that the price I have to pay is my writing.

A few years ago, a friend told me that I wrote my best pieces when I was hurt. I guess he was right. I'm writing something significant again because I opened myself up to possibilities. Sure, it wasn't my idea to be like this again but I think the reason doesn't quite matter anymore. I'm back. I'm writing again. That's what's important, right?

I guess this is the time for re-learning--to re-learn how to write and to re-learn how to be alone. Going back to school, I got caught up with making new friends, doing school stuff, and so much more. I gave all my time to other people and I got used to it. So when the time came that I was alone, I craved people. I have to be surrounded with friends or else I become restless--just like what happened last night after I came home. It was just this morning that I realized what the real problem was. Now I feel like an addict who knows that getting a fix is bad but can't do anything to counter his addiction. But hey, knowing and realizing what the problem is is the first step, right? It won't be easy, I know. The road is just going to get steeper from here but the rule book doesn't say you can't take baby steps. What matters is not stopping from here on out.

Random Thoughts

People take things for granted, like time, chances, opportunities, words. We take our world for granted, our parents, our siblings, our relatives, even the very air that we breathe. Everything, and I do mean EVERYTHING is taken for granted.

I am guilty of that crime, if you can call it a crime. I took my time, my friends, and my family for granted. I even took my writing for granted. You see, it has been more than six months since I wrote something may it be a poem, a lyrics for a song, or just a plain essay. I kept delaying and delaying thinking that I will have a time for it later or tomorrow or the next day. But the time never came.

One quote I got from Gene Simmons about writing (yeah, THE Gene Simmons from the legendary rock band Kiss) was "It's not about inspiration, it's all about hard work'. And boy was he right! If you don't push yourself, most likely you would end up having nothing. All you'd have are plans, nothing more, nothing less.

The last thing I want is to preach. But if you don't get up and make your dreams a reality, in the end all you will have are dreams.

I didn't plan on writing something right now because I don't feel like it. Hehehe! Pero ganina ra to. I was inspired by something I have read ganina. And now I can't seem to stop writing even though murag I'm not making any sense. Hahaha!

This note was supposed to be senti and emo-ish but I got sidetracked. Typical Trexie. Hehehe!

The Perks of Being a Girl

akdjaskljdskljs I found this gif and I'm doing a second post for today because I'm so in love with smokey eyes right now.

I want to have smokey eyes tomorrow night but I'm not really sure if the makeup artist can pull if off. Or if he can pull it off, it's to my liking. Yeah, yeah, I'm a perfectionist little bitch. But what the hell? Tomorrow night is my school's acquaintance party so I have to rock it. I'll post a pic how my makeup goes. ;)

Oh and speaking of which, don't these cute little pumps and frilly dress look good with smokey eyes?

 It's nice being a girl. <3 br="">

Love In All Its Complications

Lately I'm finding myself looking for one particular person whenever I go to school. I'm not like this before. More often than not, I'll be other the guy after one or two weeks. But this time it seems that the more I see him, the brighter the flame goes. Haha! This sounds extremely cheesy already.

One of my friends told me that he tried committing suicide some time back because his girl friend at that time broke up with him. Then I thought, what the hell am I doing flirting with him? The last thing I want is for any guy to commit or even just to try to commit suicide because of me. My life is already screwed up as it is. I don't need that kind of complication. But all those thoughts disappear when I see him.

Now I don't know whether I should I avoid him or not. For one, I know he's going to start wondering why I'm avoiding him. And two, it's going to be awkward. What the hell am I supposed to say when he starts asking why I don't talk to him anymore? Ugh, why does it have to be this way? Oh well, here he is in all his glory. :)

Oh and by the way, I call him Babe. XD

Prinsesita Sophia

Before my sister and her family came home, we had a rift. Bad words were said to each party. That's why I was anxious how the air is going to be when I heard that she's coming back. Needless to say, there was a little awkwardness at the beginning. I wasn't in the mood for a confrontation nor do I want to up the rest of the family so I sort of avoided her. And then this cute little angel arrived and stole our hearts. We were literally goners from that time on. Haha!

This is my niece Sophia. She and her mom will be going back to Manila early Sunday morning and I'm going to miss this little lady a lot. Until we meet again my Piyaya. :) And until then I'm going to have to be contented with looking at your photos or of the two of us together.

Long Time

I know I said I'll post something SOON but a couple of things happened to me and my family which hindered me from posting anything. First of all, the night that I talked about posting about my reviews on the second and third book of the Fifty Shades trilogy, my Uncle got rushed to the hospital. He underwent emergency a few hours later. And with just more or less 4 hours of sleep, I went to the hospital to relieve my Auntie of the task. He was released from the hospital a few days later.

However after 48 hours or so, another news broke. My Grandma's sister died. The whole family went into mourning mode. I didn't think it was appropriate that I spend time online when my other Grandma was lying in a coffin. Her wake lasted for more than a week, and it was only after that period that I started thinking about coming back online. Then my little sister got busy with her volleyball practice, and as the older sister, I feel like I have to supervise her training hours.

And now, I'm back again--but only for a mere 24 hours. I still don't know when I'll be able to come online again but I still have every intention of posting my reviews about Fifty Shades Darker and Fifty Shades Freed.

Fifty

It's been a few weeks since I last posted something. And I can still remember my plan of posting what I think of the second and third book of the Fifty trilogy. That's exactly what I'm going to do but not now. Haha! I'm quite in a good mood today and I'm saving my writing mood during melancholic times. Hopefully I'll be able to come online tomorrow so I can post my reviews--the operative word being hopefully.

Crossing my fingers,
Trexie ;)

Intellect and Passion

I was reading this book about a coven of witches one time and I stumbled upon this phrase "Intellect, pride, and passion. Was it any wonder that she stirred him?" and it made me realize that it simply defines what I want my future mate to have--INTELLECT and PASSION.

Intellect because I don't want to be with someone who doesn't understand me or the things I talk about or do. I don't want to constantly explain things to my partner. And because I'm fond of talking or texting in English, I certainly don't want to avoid using it because my partner wouldn't understand me if do. I want someone who is mentally stimulating. And that, I think, is the most important factor of all. I don't care if the guy is not a valedictorian, a straight A student, or doesn't have a Latin title attached to his name. I just want someone who will constantly be able to rouse my interest.

Now, who wouldn't want someone passionate (no pun intended)? Passion can be manifested in things such as sports, music, charity, art, etc. But the two closest to my heart is sports and music. I'll feel fine if a guy has passion for either of these two but if he has passion for both music and sports, then I'll consider myself very lucky! I'm very passionate about music. Not a day goes by that I don't listen, sing, or dance to a particular song so it will mean a lot if the guy is also interested in music. Not to mention, it'll also be another thing we can share with each other.

I grew up playing volleyball and watching my uncles and cousins play basketball, and learning other sports during my elementary years so it's not surprising that I want a guy who has a passion for sports. Although I prefer he likes manly sports like basketball or soccer. Haha!

I don't pretty much care for pride though since I have it in spades. And with him being very proud, a single argument may cause a huge falling-out between the two of us. Haha! But if who I'm destined to be with has tons of pride to go around, then I'm willing to sacrifice a little and strike a compromise with him. Love should prevail, shouldn't it?

In any case, intellect and passion is all I want in a guy. Is that too much to ask for? You tell me.

Reunited After A Long Time

Here's what went down. Last Saturday I got to meet with my friends after a long time. It was months ago when we've last seen each other so I really made sure I charged my camera's battery. I was like more than an hour late which isn't really big news. Haha! Here are some of the pics we had.

 (L-R: me, Sheena, Wileen, and Vincent)

I took out my cam and Vincent was just "Let's talk a picture!" and we immediately posed. Haha! Michelle wasn't in this pic because she was talking to an old friend from her Uni days. By the way, Vincent took this pic so his position looks kinda awkward while we get to have a good angle. On a side note, I wonder if the lady on my far left side knows she was caught in the pic. Hahaha!

(me, Sheen, Michelle, Wileen)

One of the many reasons why I love these girls is because they're loyal to the core and we know we can trust each other.

One of the things we do when we get together is to play at the World of Fun, more commonly called WOF in our place. And last Saturday was not an exception. We shot hoops and played this sort of shooting game on a screen. I was okay with the basketball game since I grew playing the sport with my cousins but the shooting game was another matter. It's safe to say that I sucked on the second game. Hahaha! The game machine "spits out" these yellow coupons depending on how well you played the game. I guess my yellow coupon says it all. Yep! It's the one encased in the green box. Hahaha! I don't think I wanna play that game ever again--nor do I even want to practice it. Ugh!

I definitely had fun last Saturday and I bet they did too! We promised to arrange one on the books again soon so we can all just have fun together. We agreed to do it once every month but that remains to be seen since we all live busy lives. Haha! But I'm sure everyone's willing to compromise so that we can simply hang out together.

The Perfection I Can't Find

At the stroke of midnight last Sunday, I had the sudden urge to reach out to my best friend because I felt I was undergoing a personal crisis. We're texting back and forth and I realized, I haven't told her my "realizations". And that's why I know she didn't "get" what I was trying to tell her at the time--the operative word being TRYING.(Not to mention, she must've thought I went bonkers already.) So anyways, I hope to enlighten her about what's troubling me--expressing my thoughts is only a side benefit.

I came to the conclusion that the reason why I'm still single up to this day is because I'm looking for perfection. Perfection in the sense that the guy should be at least 5 feet, 11 inches. Or that he should love music, knows how to play the guitar, be athletic, and speak excellent English. These are the things that I instantly look for in a guy and if he doesn't have them, he gets the boot.

I realized one time almost 2 years ago while I was out on a dare with a friend. Okay, let me tell you something about my friend and that dare. I was dared by a friend to give him a tour of the city and since he was born and raised in that city--while I was not--we mutually decided that he should be the one to tour me. At that time, we both have jobs during the day which left us the option of "touring" at night. We had a very late dinner together, and after which he took me to this town barely 5 minutes from the city. We got there past 11PM. The town was located on a hill so it was actually pretty chilly when we got there. Good thing we each brought jackets!

When we got there, he immediately launched his speech of how he accepted things and simply moved on when he broke his heart to someone we both know. Then he talked of why "it happened" and firmly believed that everything happens for a reason. He was so open and honest about his feelings that I felt the need to open up too. So I told him about this guy who I really liked and how every guy who tried to woo me just became dull after him. My friend went kinda psychiatrist on me and vaguely hinted that maybe, just maybe, it was me all along. That there was nothing wrong with those guys but it was me who was comparing them to that "guy" all along. And when I found that they didn't quite measure up, I slowly show them the door.

I was shocked! For a moment I could't speak. I knew he was right. And when I finally acknowledge my mistake he gently advised me to stop comparing every guy I see with that "guy" I was talking about earlier. Easier said than done. It's been almost 2 years and I still have the same problem, the same hang up. This is what I've been trying to tell people all along. I have a problem and it's serious. But I have to work it out in my own time. It may be slow but I'm determined to get there. Someday...