Monday, June 25, 2012

Weird Conversation

"You carry yourself like you were. Look, I'm being summoned to hunt some bad men. God willing, I die in battle sometime soon. If not, I'll make you a promise. Keep my men with food and water, and I'll marry you if our paths ever cross," he said. "I don't starve, and you don't die alone. Sound like a good plan?"

"I don't think either of us will live that long, but I'll agree to your terms," she replied with a laugh. "Be safe, and don't be in the facility when the alarm rearms."


I'm currently reading this story online. The story revolves around a nuke ravaged world. Both protagonists don't know how long they'll be able to survive, hence the "I'll marry you if our paths ever cross" promise. This kind of conversation makes me curious as to what happens as the story transpires so I'm excited to get back to reading it. I'll tell you about it when I'm done. :)

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

The Perfection I Can't Find

At the stroke of midnight last Sunday, I had the sudden urge to reach out to my best friend because I felt I was undergoing a personal crisis. We're texting back and forth and I realized, I haven't told her my "realizations". And that's why I know she didn't "get" what I was trying to tell her at the time--the operative word being TRYING.(Not to mention, she must've thought I went bonkers already.) So anyways, I hope to enlighten her about what's troubling me--expressing my thoughts is only a side benefit.

I came to the conclusion that the reason why I'm still single up to this day is because I'm looking for perfection. Perfection in the sense that the guy should be at least 5 feet, 11 inches. Or that he should love music, knows how to play the guitar, be athletic, and speak excellent English. These are the things that I instantly look for in a guy and if he doesn't have them, he gets the boot.

I realized one time almost 2 years ago while I was out on a dare with a friend. Okay, let me tell you something about my friend and that dare. I was dared by a friend to give him a tour of the city and since he was born and raised in that city--while I was not--we mutually decided that he should be the one to tour me. At that time, we both have jobs during the day which left us the option of "touring" at night. We had a very late dinner together, and after which he took me to this town barely 5 minutes from the city. We got there past 11PM. The town was located on a hill so it was actually pretty chilly when we got there. Good thing we each brought jackets!

When we got there, he immediately launched his speech of how he accepted things and simply moved on when he broke his heart to someone we both know. Then he talked of why "it happened" and firmly believed that everything happens for a reason. He was so open and honest about his feelings that I felt the need to open up too. So I told him about this guy who I really liked and how every guy who tried to woo me just became dull after him. My friend went kinda psychiatrist on me and vaguely hinted that maybe, just maybe, it was me all along. That there was nothing wrong with those guys but it was me who was comparing them to that "guy" all along. And when I found that they didn't quite measure up, I slowly show them the door.

I was shocked! For a moment I could't speak. I knew he was right. And when I finally acknowledge my mistake he gently advised me to stop comparing every guy I see with that "guy" I was talking about earlier. Easier said than done. It's been almost 2 years and I still have the same problem, the same hang up. This is what I've been trying to tell people all along. I have a problem and it's serious. But I have to work it out in my own time. It may be slow but I'm determined to get there. Someday...

Sunday, June 10, 2012

When Loneliness Strikes

Fvck! I don't know how to do this or if I'm doing this right. But I'm feeling so lonely tonight, like so freakin lonely you have no idea what it feels like.

I turned off my computer an hour ago and got ready for bed when out of nowhere I felt empty. Then I got thinking of the past guys who courted me. And I realized none of them even got close to get to know the real me. It's not their fault though. I hid myself from them. Even when they gave their best to try to win me over, I acted like the cynical bitch that I am and questioned everything they say or did. I was always looking for flaws. Comparing them with their predecessor or the guy who I called "the perfect one", I meticulously dug through each of their features both physically and mentally until I find their flaws. Then I go for the kill like asking myself "why do I wan't to be with somebody who isn't at least 5 feet, 11 inches in height" or "why settle with someone who can't even construct a single sentence with grammatical error".

The process repeated itself from one suitor to the next until I just let go. I told myself I'd be better off if my just concentrate on my friends and my family. I was so focused on them that I never felt some stirring emotionally. Oh there were always the parade of crushes! But they were men I'd never get to meet in real life. They were actors, musicians, and athletes. But when you talk of real, solid men who admire me--I can't give a name.

Yes, that's how pathetic my life is! Oh I know, I've gotten over "the break up that was". That was 5 years ago already for fvck's sake! There's a more recent heartbreak and that's the reason why I completely shut down but let's talk about some other time. For now, let's talk about how lonely I am. Hell! I've never felt this way. Before, when I feel this way, I simply cry my heart out then sleep. This time sleep completely eluded me. This time when I just needed a way to oblivion, sleep became the devil's accomplice and forced me to reevaluate my life--THOROUGHLY. Oh well, if I still can't sleep after a few minutes I'll just have to watch the football match between Germany and Portugal. And that's how exciting my life is. Amazing, isn't it? NOT!

(P.S. It's 1:42AM already.)