Fvck! I don't know how to do this or if I'm doing this right. But I'm feeling so lonely tonight, like so freakin lonely you have no idea what it feels like.
I turned off my computer an hour ago and got ready for bed when out of nowhere I felt empty. Then I got thinking of the past guys who courted me. And I realized none of them even got close to get to know the real me. It's not their fault though. I hid myself from them. Even when they gave their best to try to win me over, I acted like the cynical bitch that I am and questioned everything they say or did. I was always looking for flaws. Comparing them with their predecessor or the guy who I called "the perfect one", I meticulously dug through each of their features both physically and mentally until I find their flaws. Then I go for the kill like asking myself "why do I wan't to be with somebody who isn't at least 5 feet, 11 inches in height" or "why settle with someone who can't even construct a single sentence with grammatical error".
The process repeated itself from one suitor to the next until I just let go. I told myself I'd be better off if my just concentrate on my friends and my family. I was so focused on them that I never felt some stirring emotionally. Oh there were always the parade of crushes! But they were men I'd never get to meet in real life. They were actors, musicians, and athletes. But when you talk of real, solid men who admire me--I can't give a name.
Yes, that's how pathetic my life is! Oh I know, I've gotten over "the break up that was". That was 5 years ago already for fvck's sake! There's a more recent heartbreak and that's the reason why I completely shut down but let's talk about some other time. For now, let's talk about how lonely I am. Hell! I've never felt this way. Before, when I feel this way, I simply cry my heart out then sleep. This time sleep completely eluded me. This time when I just needed a way to oblivion, sleep became the devil's accomplice and forced me to reevaluate my life--THOROUGHLY. Oh well, if I still can't sleep after a few minutes I'll just have to watch the football match between Germany and Portugal. And that's how exciting my life is. Amazing, isn't it? NOT!
(P.S. It's 1:42AM already.)
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